Sorry I Haven't Been Around

I promised on last week's podcast to try to write more for this blog. I guess I've been distracted with other things. It's funny because I wanted to do a podcast to support the blog, but all of my attention has been on making a podcast every two weeks or so. I'm going to try my darnedest to write something here daily from now on. Whether it be random thoughts like this or a review of something I meant to review 3 months ago. Something will be up here daily.

I guess I should bring you up to speed on what's been going on with me. I spend most of my days thinking about school and playing with my new cats. First, school has been wonderful. I always told myself that I shouldn't go back to school unless I'm seriously interested in the subject, to the point that I actually do not just homework, but extracurricular activities, as well as supplemental reading. I have been doing all of these things. Working in the sound industry somewhere is something I cannot wait to do. Everyday there are new light bulbs being turned on inside of my head, and that's the best feeling. I mentioned this on Facebook but we're looking for bands to record either this month or next month. You would have to come to Sacramento(obviously) but yeah, free recording if you're interested.

I've had Buster for almost three months now. It seems longer. I love waking up with him next to me. We just got our new cat, Panthro a few days ago, and he seems to be getting along fine with Buster. At first, Buster was the more aggressive one, but I notice that Panthro is becoming more aggressive, and Buster has become more timid. He doesn't purr as much anymore when I pet him or carry him. When they're not play fighting though, they sit and lay together which is awesome. We'll be taking them to the bay this weekend to meet Andrea's mom's cats.

Other than that, it's the same shit with me. Still can't sleep, still playing games, still on Facebook way too much. I'm considering starting a Twitter account. Gotta get with the times you know. Sacramento is still meh, but school is a welcome distraction. Anyway, thanks for reading. Again, I feel terrible for not writing in here as much as I should, but I know that few people read this, and I'm just writing this for me. I'm doing this podcast for me. I like doing it.

Anyone keeping up with porn stars? I'm looking for new ones and I don't know where to start.

Great, I'm an INFJ

Ever since moving to the happiest place on earth my main goal has been to either go back to school or find a career. Since there are not many career opportunites, not just in Sacramento, but all over California, I have leaned toward going back to school. I have spent most of my week stressing in front of my computer because I have no idea what I want to do. It is sort of a life changing decision to pick a career. I have been going over various programs at everything from trade schools to universities, and nothing really has jumped out at me. Maybe that's not 100% true.

There are things I want to do in my life. Work in video games or write. I have thought of applying to be a games blogger for the Examiner but along with applying I would have to provide some evidence of my writing and all I have are these profane strung, and disorganized posts on this blog. I guess I should try to edit the posts so that they look somewhat professional, but that will take some time. Anyway I'm not keeping my hopes up that I will get that gig. That brings me back to the part where I am supposed to go to school. I do not want to do any of these things that these schools are offering certificates in. I'm pretty set on not getting another degree because I really do not want to take all of that general education stuff again.

I took this career quiz a friend suggested. It was not one of those quizzes where you answer five questions and they tell you what Happy Days character you are. It was almost 50 questions so it seemed pretty thorough. The results are supposed to tell you about your personality, and which careers are best suited for that personality. I am an INFJ. The description is pretty dead on. I like working alone, I prefer smaller circles of people, sensitive, lots of personality, etc. I have read a few sites to see which career I should pursue. The five most common careers that come up are:

Clergyman

Photographer

Alternative Health Care Practitioner

Psychologist/Psychiatrist

Writer

Blargh, really? I mean that's what I'm trying to do now! I am not really trying hard enough I guess. I told myself two days ago that if I could write articles for 6 hours a day then I'll seriously pursue writing as a career. This is my first post since making that deal with myself. It's really difficult to believe that I can write for a living with this lack of discipline. This is why I continue to look elsewhere for my future. I'm sort of leaning toward web design, but like I said my heart is not really in it. It's not too much to ask that I want a career that interests me just a little, right?

It's So Hard

That's all I can tell myself these last couple of days. I wake up with the single intention that I have to make this new home of ours as comfortable as possible for my wife who has had her first week of her new career. She has been given Hematology/Oncology first, which is(according to her and her peers)the most difficult rotation to have. She wakes up a little bit before 5am and does not come home until 8pm at the latest.



I go on the internet looking for simple(keyword: SIMPLE)recipes that I can cook that evening. I scrub floors, I vacuum, I water plants, I clear off disorganized coffee tables, I wash dishes, I pick up things at the grocery store, I pick up the mail. I have a hot meal ready as soon as she walks into the door, disheveled and red-eyed. No matter what I do to make her happy, because of the long work day she just had, she can do nothing but flop into my arms, her arms around my ever growing belly, crying on my shoulder. "I'm so tired, Alvin" she whimpers into my ear. I have to bite my lip because we both shouldn't cry but I really want to.



I have no words. I just try to console her with an encouraging rub of the back. Doing that feels so pathetic though because the tears do not stop. I know nothing about the hardships of medical school. I start to feel guilty everytime she comes home completely exhausted because other than doing chores and errands, I'm not working or going to school which I should be doing. It feels like nothing I do matters. She will come home and cry no matter how clean the apartment or how warm and delicious the meal that I just nervously put together tastes.



I tell her about how horrible I feel, and she tries to tell me that what I'm doing is very helpful, but I'm not being receptive to her positive comments. I am not the cause of her pain and I should not take responsibility for all of the wet shoulders I have had to attend to. Still, I hate seeing her like this. Hopefully the next three weeks will go by swiftly. I'm going to do everything my wife needs me to do so that she can make it though this.

It's SF IV Day so Why Ain't I Celebrating?

I've just been having many moments of anger the last few days. I don't know what it is. Every little thing has been setting me off. I was picking up Andrea at the airport and the train took like 30 minutes to get there. I'm grumpy at work. I don't know.

I saw someone I knew on the train yesterday, but I didn't say hello. I was scared she wouldn't remember me and I didn't want to deal with the awkwardness. The way I handled that bugged me even more and I got really angry with myself. Then 7/11 didn't have Street Fighter and they were supposed to. I demanded a refund and vowed not to buy beer there anymore. I'll go to the hip but overpriced wine shop to buy beer from now on."Bullshit...bullshit," I said. I couldn't believe what I was saying that because even though I feel angry, I usually don't vocalize my anger so openly. I had to walk like a mile and half to Best Buy and they didn't have it either. I made a last ditch effort to look at Gamestop but I knew that they wouldn't give the game to me because I didn't pre-order. Why can't I walk into a game store and buy a game? Is that too much to ask?

Of course Gamestop had to prove me wrong. They had plenty of copies. The fact that they had it pissed me off too, like "You're Gamestop! You're supposed to be the facist juggernaut of the gaming industry. You're not supposed to have unreserved copies of a brand new game." I felt inconsolable, but as I waited for the bus a homeless man asked me if I was alright. You wouldn't be able to tell he was homeless unless he told you. His clothes were pretty clean and all he had was a backpack. He wanted directions to the nearest Jewel so I gave him directions. He told me about how difficult it's been for him and I felt embarrassed telling him about how I've been angry lately. He was very comforting and for the first time in years, I wanted to give a homeless person money. A couple of years ago a lady hoodwinked me out of 5 bucks and I vowed never to give a homeless person money after that. I stopped carrying change so that my pockets wouldn't jingle and I'd just ignore anyone who talked to me on the streets. I wouldn't even let them finish their question. One time I told someone to fuck off.

Anyway, I didn't give him money. He never even asked for it. He just wanted directions and I guess he wanted to talk to someone. So that was nice. Hopefully I'll feel better before Mardi Gras but I'm not that optimistic.

Re: CHIMERICA and the CHIMERA

I hope you can keep working man, cause here's what's going down at my job. At my department(where all we do is data entry) I've noticed some people haven't been showing up lately. They got laid off. They sort of need to lay off even more people. I can't even find a desk sometimes. They need to get rid of the large majority of them because nobody works. Keep the people that do the job, and then we'll get shit done a whole lot faster, instead of having slow pokes keep working on a transaction for 45 minutes when I could have it done in 20.

I shouldn't be worried, but I am because really I cannot do anything to stop the corporate hammer that's about to make it really hurt for me. Since the majority of the work that I do for the bank is being sent to India where they do what we do except much cheaper. We're not allowed to transfer accounts with sensitive information(ie social security numbers mine is 55im not gonna tell you), but logistically, you only need a handful of people to work on these sensitive accounts. There aren't many of them.

So here's what's gonna happen. I don't know when this will happen. I will get laid off, there gonna pick 5 people and keep them. I'm not too worried. If everything goes to plan I won't even be here in the summer anyway, so I can survive on a little severance, wedding gifts, and if I sell my...Wii...gasp!I can find temp work easy in this city. Everyone needs someone to type something. Just give me that severance, that's all I care about. Is it crazy to hope that everything will instantly be better on 1/20/2009?

CJ steal a mic at work, we recording tonight. I about to put ends on this podcast project to get it going.

Off the meds

I have too many games to play. I don't understand why game developers won't fucking release games during the summer when there's nothing to play. I'm trying to finish Mirror's Edge, Gears of War 2, and Chrono Trigger while trying to fit in some Left 4 Dead sessions, and I just got Prince of Persia in the mail. I really don't have time to cram all of these games before the year's over, and I really want to make an informed Top 10 list before the years over. I won't even try to play Fable II or Fallout 3. It's just not possible. Oh yeah, I just bought a whole lot of No Doubt songs for Rock Band 2. Kinda stupid considering what's on my plate, but Andie will be on call tomorrow, so hopefully I can finish Mirror's Edge and put a big dent in Gears and Prince. That's my plan anyway. I might just go watch Milk because I don't want to stay home alone all day. Who knows.

I feel so much better since I stopped taking Paxil. It's been three days now, and I'm starting to get my appetite back, and I haven't worried about anything really. At least more than normal. I've been even sleeping better and at a more consistent time. I'm still taking ambien, but at least I'm not taking it and just staying up all night. I have to appreciate the little victories. Fuck my stupid doctor. Here, just take this and be gone from my sight. How about I switch doctors or something? I know that anti-depressants are trial and error, but I can't help but hate the guy at the moment. I have a follow up appointment on Monday, and I have a feeling he'll just prescribe something else, but I'm going to fight him hard. I don't want to take anything. I won't be surprised if I fucking write here a few days later something like Well that didn't work out so well, and now I'm on this or that. I really need to move back to the Bay. That'll make me feel better. That's probably the only thing that'll make me feel better, but I got to sweat it out(or freeze it out) for a few more months. I'm sorry, I don't want to whine, or complain.

Albums of the year coming.

Fucking Mice Fucking Me Expose Myself n' Shit

We have more mice coming in the apartment. We think we found out how they're getting in. There's a hole where the pipe is under the kitchen sink. We quickly set a few traps inside the cabinet, and blocked the cabinets with my poker chip set because it's real heavy.

I have discovered that I hate rodents. I think I already knew that. Andrea used to have pet hamsters and I would jump whenever she would put them on me. I think I just don't like animals in general. I can't tell what they're thinking and I freak out at the thought of getting bitten, especially some alley mouse that's been chewing on my neighbor's daughter's used diaper. I don't think it(they) will be able to get out with the poker chips there, but who knows. I'm very uneasy whenever I'm at home. We're going to have to seal up that hole eventually, but I want to make sure there aren't any mice in there, so I have to wait for those traps to do their thing. I worry that even if we catch it(them), I'll try to work on the hole and hordes of mice will rush me, and then I'll just lose it.

I just broke down today. I'm so stressed out. Physically sore. I'm experiencing all the potential side effects from taking Ambien. Stomach aches, black outs, bowel problems(sorry). I can't sleep if I don't take it. Ever. I need to see a specialist and get off this shit, but I need to sleep you know. Work hasn't helped. We moved into a new building and I've been working long hours the last two weeks. Like 9-10 hours a day and I hate it.

I had one of those episodes where you just let everything out because you've been holding so much inside. I told Andrea everything I've been telling my therapist. I told her that I try so hard to make her happy. That no matter what I do I never feel like it's enough. I told her I hated myself for crying over a stupid thing like this little mice problem we've been having. I told her that I worry constantly about anything and everything, and that none of this is her fault. I am so afraid of telling her how I feel because I don't want her to be sad, or get mad at me. I'd rather carry the burden, this sadness inside of me. I don't want to share any of it.

It felt so good to tell her all of that. She told me she wasn't sad or angry with me. She just said, "You'll learn." She has hope for me which is awesome. I hope she is right. I need to have a little faith in myself, but at the moment it's hard to, but knowing that she does helps. Still I can't help but think that she didn't tell me how she really felt. That she was a little disappointed in me. Part of me was hoping she would say that because how could you not be disappointed in a young adult curled up into a ball, so afraid to deal with mice? I really don't know anything I guess.

I hate this apartment

It's getting cold, I have no money, we still have no carpet, the mailman won't deliver my Amazon package, and there's a mouse in my snack cupboard. I don't feel like saying anything more.

Why Does she have to be a she?(Conclusion)

I can't talk to women without wanting to fuck them.

Yes, that might be possibly the most obvious thing for a man to say, but I get so easily distracted by sex that I cannot follow a conversation. There's more to it than that. The main reason why I can't talk to women is because I simply do not need the temptation of the possibility of having sex with someone else. I have no will power. Anything I touch, I get hooked on. Music, video games, PBR, sleeping pills, etc.

I tried making friends with a girl here pretty much as soon as I moved here. I met her from my previous blog and we shared a love for the movie Amelie. We didn't talk that much online, but the few times we did I felt like she was a very neat person. Someone I felt totally comfortable shooting the shit with. When I learned I would be moving to Chicago I thought, Sweet, I'll know someone. To make a long story short I feel like I either scared her off because I constantly bugged her to kick it(because I was desperate for friends to go out with and I knew no one else) and that kind of smothering from an internet friend could turn anyone off, or I guess we just didn't click like I thought we did.

I don't think the fiancee really liked the idea of hanging with a girl in our new town. Probably didn't help that when asked if I thought said girl was cute, I was truthful and said yes. I don't have a spotless history in terms of our relationship. I did try to mess around with one of her high school friends after all, and I haven't really heard the end of that one, but I think I'm exaggerating because I can't remember the last time she brought that up.

So on top of this intense anxiety I feel whenever talking to people now, I also distance myself from woman because I just don't want that remote possibility of something happening to exist. That's so extreme and neurotic to think that way, but I can't help it at the moment.

The girl at work always walks in wearing some band's shirt that I am familiar with, headphones on her ears(the earbuds that wrap around the back of your ear). What really kills me is when she wears her Radiohead jacket as if to just turn the fucking tractor beam on my ears and penis. I do this subtle things in hopes of getting her attention like making sure I wear some bands t-shirt the days I know she's working. One day last week in particular I started listening to OK Computer, and I swear she stared at me as I was mouthing the words to "Climbing Up the Walls." I hope she was smiling at me.

I want to speak to her one day, but I can see myself never speaking to her. We'll just go on listening to music we both enjoy, and never share our opinions. I have become such a pessimist the last few years. Everything I have I am grateful for and I try really hard to show my gratitude to my friends, but shit man. Like I feel like what's going to happen is that next year I'm finally going to stumble across people that are like the coolest people in Chicago. We'll play video games, go to some dives to drink Schlitz, and talk about nothing till 5am. Then, I'll leave after six months of hanging out with this/these person/people totally kicking myself for not finding these people sooner. Why should I kick myself over serendipity? I don't know, but I will. I'm not sure that will happen either because I have gotten used to just staying indoors for one reason or another. No money, or I don't want to take the train all the way to the North side, or it's too cold.

Bleh, I'm done complaining. I have problems.

Why does she have to be a she? (Part One)

So as you may or may not know, I have a problem meeting people here in Chicago. I am not one of the confident sociable people in our circle. I'm was very dependent on others to increase the size of my social circle. It is so much easier not to do any work, but I think I'm suffering the consequences of sitting on my hands all those years.


Anyway, the best places to meet new friends are school and work. I don't have any scientific evidence to back that up, but it seems like common sense that that statement is true. I haven't been in school since 2005 and even then I didn't really try to make friends at SF State. I made one friend, and I love her dearly. She really helped me survive college and I always tell her how grateful I am that she had the nerve to approach me in Creative Writing 101 because I was wearing the White Stripes T-shirt I got at their show the night before.

Before I go on I just want to mention that I am full of excuses.

I don't really feel like SF State was the best environment for me to meet people. People call it a commuter school. It doesn't feel like anyone sticks around on campus. You take the BART or the bus, you go to class, you work on projects, you leave. Yeah, they had clubs and such(I was surprised that they had fraternities), and no people didn't avoid each other because the didn't have time to talk, and no of course there wasn't your share of stoners who laid on the grass all day doing nothing. I just didn't do any of those things. I went to school to work, to listen to music, and to smoke a bowl and skip class to sleep in my car.

Like I said, I am full of excuses, but I guess to be more precise, I am full of anxiety.

So I don't have school. The alternative is to make friends at work. I work at an office. I hate my co-workers. Maybe that's too strong. My co-workers, for the most part, are either overweight middle-aged women on welfare with dead beat husbands and 16 kids or lazy disillusioned early twenty somethings who think there's actually a future career awaiting them at this office. Let me show you examples of my interactions with both groups and why I am turned off by them.

If I had to choose, the middle-aged women rub me the wrong way the most. They are so fucking horrible and just vile, vile human beings. What really bugs me is how fucking hypocritical they are. They do the least amount of work and always complain about how the company treats them like shit. With good reason because they are the main reason why our productivity as an office is so low. Rather than work, they just gossip all day. Mainly about each other, but the subjects change from time to time. I don't understand that at all. They seem very friendly to each other, but as soon as someone leaves, they go on and on about how they can't stand that person. One lady comes to work and takes a nap at her desk. Every day. Don't get me wrong, I mean the work that we do is more boring than playing Mass Effect(ZING!) but, and this is going off on another tangent, but why doesn't anyone fire her? Managers fucking walk by, and see her sleeping. Sometimes for as long as an hour. No one says anything. No one wakes her up. All we do is make fun of her which is funny at first, but after you start thinking about how I have to stay because we're behind, you start blaming people who don't fucking do shit.

I realize that this is going off into many directions and I'll have to continue this at another time because I need to finish Gears of War, but let me just talk about that other sub-culture at my workplace.

So there are the kids my age. Or around my age. Anyway, I fucking hate them too. It's all this fucking aggression I've had since high school. Same kind of fucking people. This story I will never forget. I had just returned from my solo trip to New York and I was telling my co-workers about the lovely time I had walking around Manhattan alone in the fall. One of my more vociferous co-workers heard me talk about New York, and she interrupted me with the blunt question, "Did you go to a club?"

Now at that moment I just kind of blanked as I tend to do. When she asked me that I had envisioned her idea of a club. Hip-hop(bad hip-hop, sorry bad hip-hop fans), vodka, bitch fights, Seth Green saying, "I gots to get laid tonight," etc. However I had failed to remember that I did indeed go dancing Halloween night because our favorite DJ's, Snack n' C'mish was doing a holiday gig. They played that funky ass song with the "Chicaago, Chicaago" hook in it twice for me which was awesome. Anyway I didn't associate that night with going to a club. That night was fun. Going to a club does nothing for me. So I said no, no I didn't go to a club.

"Pssh. You went all the way to New York and you didn't go to a club?"

"YES BITCH! BECAUSE THERE ARE OTHER THINGS BESIDES STUPID CLUBS IN NEW YORK YOU FUCKING AMOEBA!"

What really bothered me is that all of the younger people actually found logic in her response. Like, "Huh, that's true. Why would you go to New York for any other reason than to go to a club? Makes sense. Spiz wasted a trip to New York." I just couldn't believe it. That was so insane to me. After this happened I just felt more and more detached from the people at work. They look at me strange because I don't find satisfaction in the things that they love like trashy reality TV, mindless action movies(Someone called me retarded for hating Transformers because there was too much Shia LaBeouf and because Optimus Prime used EBay) or reading Danielle Steele. They think it's absurd that I used to DJ. Like I wasn't cool enough to DJ or something.

I accept that I am partially at fault. Like I really should not concern myself so much with the fact that we have completely different tastes. Of course this is not possible because I am fucking neurotic, insecure, and extremely defensive. I cannot take the idea of not being accepted, and after coming back from New York, that loud bitch who asked me that absurd question drew a line across the sand whether she knew it or not.

So what am I getting at? I'll continue tomorrow, but basically I'm intrigued by someone at work, and I'll never talk to her because she's a woman, and I want to have sex with every woman who acknowledges my existence, and I can't go and do that(love huh)for obvious reasons.

Start of the week in brief

-I voted today. Just skip all the bullshit and do it already if you can.

-Got my wisdom teef' removed. Rockin' the vicodinz, but it's not that great. Might be better with a Sam Adams Oktoberfest, but not today. Also got super charged ibuprofen, and some antibiotix.

-Actually listened to the new Bloc Party and judged it way too early. With the exception of one or two songs, "Intimacy" makes me feel like I'm at a BP show. "A Weekend in the City" didn't make me feel like that. I was head knocking so hard I fucking loved it. Good album.

-Played Call of Duty 4 for the first time in months. Yup, still suck at it. I thought the vicodinz would help me not suck.

Re: Locale

I had a horrible, vivid nightmare last night. I dreamt about my teeth and how I couldn't close my mouth without intense pain. It felt like all of my teeth came loose and one of my right top molars had moved behind my right bottom molars, so my jaw wouldn't close properly. So I just kinda sit there, opening and closing my jaw, spitting blood. All I can think about is all the pain I'm experiencing. Finally I build up the courage to look at the mirror. What I see is every single one of my teeth split down the middle. Like if you take a knife and just cut your teeth in half, that's what it looked like. Lots of blood, lots of yellow spit. That's how I woke up today.

Since I have sleeping issues I usually wake up in the middle of the night. Sometimes I go back to sleep, sometimes I struggle. Regardless of what happens, when 8:15am rolls around I have to get up for work. Sometimes if I'm lucky I can sleep the entire night and I'll wake up to Andrea saying goodbye. Her work schedule is inconsistent, so sometimes she'll leave while I'm still in bed. Anyway I get up, brush my teeth, piss, get dressed, grab the lunch I made the night before, check the weather(because the weather is all over the place, you just never know), and I start walking to the train station.

I walk west down Taylor to get to the train station which I didn't used to do because it's much faster to go north of Laflin and then go west on Polk, but I like walking down Taylor because all of the restaurants are on Taylor, so there's more to look at in the morning compared to walking though quiet residential streets. I see the same old man sitting on his stoop smoking. The single mother waiting with her son for the school bus. I jaywalk across Ashland Ave because it's the busiest street and I have no time to wait for the signal to change, but I hate standing on the divider when trucks and buses whiz by. I always think they're going to swerve into the divider while I'm standing there.

The Pink Line has gotten way more crowded as of late. Probably because no one wants to drive anymore because gas here is like $4.50/gal. I try to find a spot right next to the door so I can just lean up against the plexiglass. I only get on the train for two stops, so I don't want to sit down. Just get on, and get off. After I get off in the River North district, I have to walk around the river to get to my building. I really wish there was a bridge right there where I can just walk directly to the Sun Times Building where I work, but the river curves right in front of that building, so it's totally cut off. Looks like it's on an island if you look at it from the train.

I don't really want to say anything about work other than I am the at my lowest when I'm at work. There's nothing to look forward to and just being there sucks the life out of you. Okay, maybe I'll say a little more. I hate the job because it's the same thing everyday. I type information for the same companies in the same windows and I do that the entire work day. I hate the people there even more because they are horrible, hypocritical, sloppy, judgemental, butt faced miscreants. Gossip and ghetto speak pollute the air. They talk shit about each other when their backs are turned. Sunflower seeds, sticky fingers from eating glazed donuts, and rubber bands all over the keyboards. And no one works. No wonder our managers hate us.

The highlight of my day is sitting in the building lobby during breaks to people watch. Mainly girl watch because there is an art school in my building. The way Chicago is, as with most large cities, a lot of people share buildings downtown because lack of real estate, so you get a mix of different things in every building. Like I said, I work at the offices of The Chicago Sun Times, but Bank of America also has a floor. There's also a Holiday Inn, and the art school so it's frickin' amazing to sit there and watch the girls walk by. Most of the time they're going outside to smoke. I always tell people that the girls are really the best in the Midwest. California isn't even close, sorry.

After work I walk back to the station, take the train, walk home, get the mail, and greet Andrea. So it's just the morning except backwards and it's darker outside. We make dinner together. She mans the stove, I chop onions and garlic. Everyday I chop onions and garlic because no matter what we're eating we always have onions and garlic. Andrea always complains about chopping onions so one day I started doing it. It doesn't bother me. Eventually she added garlic to her recipes, so I started chopping that. I kinda take pride in chopping vegetables now. I watch Food Network closely whenever they're chopping and I try various techniques. I even bought good knives and a sharpener, so I'm pretty serious about it.

We sit down for dinner and talk about our day. Most of the time we don't say much because the TV is on, other times we have in depth conversations about work politics, or about our feelings. After dinner I do the dishes while Andrea relaxes on the futon in front of the TV that I sleep on. We watch prime time TV, and then the rest of the night we do our own thing. I usually play video games or watch a DVD while Andrea paints, or studies. It's been sort of difficult as of late because of the lack of space. Like I've been wanting to work on my backlog(which is a list of games that I've been meaning to finish)before the heaving gaming season starts, but I haven't been able to play that much because we're sharing a TV, and you know...wifey rules. I have to wait for her to go to bed before I can get any gaming done, but I'm trying to avoid that because if I play video games past 12:30am, I won't be able to sleep.

Look out for my impressions of MEGA MAN FRICKIN' NINE. Also, Hi Rok. I can't wait to read your first entry.

Ambien and Drinking

Pierre,

I think I need something to help me sleep. I can't relax. Doctors say exercise helps with sleep. Sleeping with my own fiancee in her(used to be known as OOUUURR)bed. I always get sleepy when I'm in her bed. Apparantly my snoring is too much to endure so I sleep out in the TV room.



Anyway my point is never mix things. All I can tell you is that ambien is mixing the void weed left. I have been thinking about weird things. I put a gatorade bottle on the floor and fall asleep. Next morning I look up to clear the bottle and take it to the trash. Bottle was gone. Two days later still havent found the 64 oz of Blue Gatorade that had a few gulps inside..



I ran into my fiancees room about to whit it out, and she has to guide me to the bathroom. She takes me there and peeing, alternating between strong and lazy streams. I drank a fuck ton of water before I went to bed because I had hiccups because of the wine. "What are you doing?" I cant' hear anything, she has never seen me in this state, so what shall I do,



YOU'RE IN THE GAME I HAVE TO PLAY IT



no one wknows wat s ay. he's vbacck on th=e fllo

I wasn't making any sense. A few days later I woke up and went to work. When I came home there was hot sauce sprayed all over my bed and pillowcase. That's just weird. I also noticed I was missing ambien tabs. Was I taking pills in my sleep? Ever since the hot sauce incident I haven't taken ambien since.

I started this post thinking that it would be light...a bit silly like I had promised. It's funny to see people sleepwalk, like in cartoons or whatever. A character would sleepwalk while someone else would desperately try to keep the sleepwalking idiot alive in some sort of Rube Goldberg machine like sequence. Sleepwalking in real life however, isn't funny. Like jeez...it's hard to comprehend, to accept that. Anyway, I apologize again for being heavy.

Also, welcome the third piece of this triforce of a blog. Yo T-Lizzle.

THIS IS WH HAPPENES WHEN YOU MIX

-SPZ

So I guess I'm starting off...

Pierre,

My apartment has flooded for the third time in the last two months. My bedroom has been the prime victim of the rain. I miss my sanctuary so much. Today has been the worst. I've wanted to play Rock Band 2 ever since I came home from work. Normally, I could just say, "PEACE OUT" like Matthew Berry and rock out on plastic toy instruments. Now, because my room smells like a deadly mix of rotting cooked cabbage and socks, I can't stay in there. I don't want to breathe mold and spores, or develop asthma, or some shit like that. Plus I had to move all my stuff out here. I have to share a TV and a computer. Andrea isn't having the Rock Band tonight. I wish she would just fucking play, jeez. She hates loud noises. I'm just guessing(she would say I'm assuming), but I think she fears change from Rock Band 1 to Rock Band 2. It sounds silly, but there is an all new song list so I guess it can be intimidating. She likes to be comfortable, and everything has to be familiar.

I just want to do all kinds of shit right now. I have Netflix movies I could be watching, or X-Men episodes on my DVR. Mega Man 2 came out on Virtual Console on the Wii and I don't know if you know, but Mega Man 2 is my second favorite game of all time. That's huge. I could be playing that right now. Great game.

Now I've reached that point where I start feeling like shit for criticizing. I'm trying not to do that anymore. My therapist thinks I need to learn how to be critical without feeling like shit all the time. Anyway, that's all. I was thinking about writing my "Letters I Couldn't Send" series here, since it kinda fits the theme of the blog, but I don't know if this is supposed to be exclusive to us or whatever. You'll probably say it's fine, but again I apologize for assuming.

Of course I feel like shit. Can you imagine if I just said, "Look I want to play video games(and ignore you)." I feel like I can't win so I'll just sit here on the crumb covered couch that we normally never sit on, but now I have to because there's nowhere else to sit, slouched over, just watching Andrea sleep.

It's too late to play Rock Band. At least the drums anyway which of course are the funnest, but very challenging. I'm too annoyed to play anyway. God, I hope all my posts aren't like this.

-Alvin