Spiz Vs. Water: Part One

I hate swimming. I hate things that I don't understand. I can't swim.

I had a few experiences of complete panic in the water as a kid. I never learned how to swim and I was thrown into the deep end more than once, usually as a joke because people didn't know I couldn't swim. I had too many negative experiences as a kid and I still have a lot of phobias. I do not enjoy not being in control of a situation and being in open water scares the hell out of me. Andrea and I rented a canoe in Carmel/Monterey a few years ago and despite being completely inside a canoe while wearing a life vest, I was hyperventilating and I couldn't bend my fingers. I don't know if any of you have ever experienced that feeling when your fingers are stuck completely outstretched and if someone closed your hand into a fist for you, your fist would slowly open and your fingers are outstretched again. That happened to me after riding my first roller coaster and it happens to me whenever I'm in water.

I made the stupid agreement with Andrea that we could never get married until I learned how to swim. It might have been something I said just to get some sex, but of course Andrea took it seriously. Plus we're going to Aruba for our honeymoon which is an island. Islands are surrounded by water and people that live near water like to go into the water to do activities like finding cool shit and swimming.

For the longest time I had this plan that I would just not learn how to swim. I would live in some state smack dab in the middle of the country that didn't have the Mississippi running through it. All I had to do was just not go to pools and I would be fine. Why learn how to do something when you never had to do it? I watched all the kids swimming at parties and when the host parents asked me to join the other kids I replied, "No thanks. Can I play your Nintendo though?" I even persuaded my parents to let me go to Moreau instead of Logan just so that I wouldn't have to learn how to swim because swimming was a requirement at Logan because they had a pool on campus. Obviously I didn't avoid going to Logan just because of that. It was Union City after all. You know how it used to be. Moreau wasn't any better, but that's another story. Anyway, I stayed dry at Moreau so that was awesome.

So I agreed to have Andrea teach me how to swim. If she can teach me how to swim I will view her as more powerful than Gandalf the White. I have tried to learn before although I admit I either didn't try hard enough or I just got so freaked out that I just gave up. I had my first lesson today and as soon as I got into the pool my fingers went straight and numb. Andrea held me up as I tried to float, making my body completely straight. When she tried to pull me away from the edge of the pool I splashed and flailed wildly trying desperately to grab the edge of the pool. She was completely patient with me which I am so grateful for. I felt frustrated and embarrassed. Thank goodness I didn't have my glasses on. That sort of help me because I couldn't see whether or not people were looking at me. I could just focus on trying to learn how to fucking float.

I just try to let go, but I'm so tense. I take a breath, kick my feet up, arch my back, do whatever Andrea is telling me to do, but after a second or two I feel my hips sinking. I'm going down, I lose my breath, and I start kicking as if that is going to help at all, but nothing is stopping me from just fucking sinking. I'm at the shallow end so there isn't any danger that I really have to worry about, but I'm trying to make myself believe I'm not in 4 feet of water. I need to forget about the safety of the floor below.

We tried different things. I practiced kicking, paddling, kicking with a floatie and after two hours I could go 10 feet away from the edge of the pool with the help of a floatie, but I was going at a snail's pace. It took me like 30 seconds to go 10 feet. I figured out how to float but only while kicking my legs and I can't paddle for shit. My legs are on fire now. I can't remember the last time I've done anything active. I didn't feel hung over before my first lesson, but I think all of the physical and mental strain gave me sour stomach and a headache. I ate a mad amount of pickles and drank a lot of tequila the night before. I felt salty, but I felt good. I could do more than I ever could before, but still I can't do shit in water yet. It's so hard to learn new things when you get older. You have to unlearn bad habits.

I'm going to post an entry after every lesson. We're planning to go to the Gym every Sunday until I figure it out. I've got two months to learn how to swim. Cross your fingers for me.

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