A Weekend Without Sleep Part One

It is Saturday night and I am sleeping on Beth and Rob's couch. Except that I am not sleeping at all. I have forgotten my sleep meds back in my apartment in Sacramento. I only realize this when I touched down upon my new old home, Chicago. This is the third night I have been unable to sleep. I am unsure that I have slept at all. There are moments where I am without thought and there are moments where I am in a state of intense stress and fear. The sheet draped over Beth and Rob's brand new couch is wet with cold sweat and my eyes are clinched tight as i recall various memories, as well as things I've never seen before.

I am walking down a hallway that is saturated in a green hue. It's not me, rather I am seeing it through someone else's eyes. There are split seconds of faces, horrified in appearance. Tense. None of the doors in this hallway are open. None of them can be opened. This person who I have become continues to walk at a slow pace, surrounded by an aura of calm. Then in the bottom left hand corner I see the word "Saw" as in the horror/torture porn series of movies. I have never seen a "Saw" movie so I am certain that the first movie does not open like that and everything I just visualized was created by my imagination and I do not know why.

I open my eyes. There is never complete darkness where I sleep, as Beth and Rob's Ukrainian Village apartment is decorated with many windows so lines of orange light seep in. I drag my hand across the floor, searching for anything that feels like leather or a drawstring bag made of cotton. I find my iPod and headphones and I turn on one of those video game podcasts that I have lost interest in. I'm hoping that I will get bored and fall asleep, but like I said, this is the third night I haven't gotten good sleep so I am not optimistic that listening to people I can no longer stand talk about video games will help me finally forget about fear.

Every night of this trip I chastise myself. How could I forget those two orange bottles sitting on my desk? That stupid $40 desk from Walmart that took me three days to build because I lack patience. To further annoy myself, I make a list of things I brought in my backpack. Things I absolutely do not need. Things I brought instead of my medications. Two glasses cases, neither of which have my spare glasses inside of them. Swimming goggles, pssh shit goddamn it. We weren't planning on swimming I hate swimming. A watch that has not had a working battery in it for 3 years.