Being human during Christmas

My family is going to have a gift exchange this year. Instead of buying gifts for everyone, we just need to buy for 1 person. I was paired up. We each answered questions about our qualities, likes, hobbies, interests etc. so that the person we're paired with can get an idea of what to buy us. This list was sent via email and cc'd to each of the relatives participating. I just feel like things are a little off with this. Although this makes the process, much more streamline, efficient, and affordable; there seems to be a lack of humanity in this process. Understandably, times are tough and wallets are tight. But, I can't seem to buy into this idea so I'm proposing a new idea.

Too often, people are at the mall at the last minute scurrying to buy presents or they get their Christmas shopping done way ahead of time to get it over with. The meaning surrounding the gift, although arguably a symbol of thoughtfulness and sincerity, doesn't entirely in my opinion, establish the connection that ought to be established. The T-shirt will eventually be stuffed at the bottom of the drawer, the jewelry kept in a safe, and the new Jordans getting replaced by a revival release the next season. I'm not saying that I'm anti gift giving. I'm merely questioning if too much emphasis is placed on "gift-giving" to the point where it becomes obligatory, mechanical, routinized, and diminishes the feeling of having truly given and/or received something meaningful.

I'm proposing creating a "thank you letter" for each person who has played a role in shaping your life. I can't help but feel that this gift would strengthen the bond that you share with the people closest to you, or create a bridge to bring you closer to those with whom you'd like to be closer. A declaration of your feelings for someone may be perceived as too mushy or effeminate in some circles, but I view it as truthful, genuine, authentic - a display of what it really means to be human - at the core what it means to give and receive appreciation. To me, someone's thank you would mean more than the latest and greatest article of clothing, an expression of gratitude uncannily exhibited by a friend would outshine the brightest bling, including a Jesus piece. I'm trying to redirect myself in the direction of what it means to be human. What it means to be vulnerable, courageous, loving, humorous, and giving in a world that tends to shield emotion, and promote materialism. I think being clear on defining and sharing these most precious qualities is important especially around the holidays when family and friends are within reach.

I'm committed to accomplishing the letter writing campaign this Christmas. Since we're kind of all writers here, maybe you all could join the fun. No pressure, its only your humanity at stake.

Dirikalitz nowitzki

Re: Save the Whales Hate Your Parents

I hate the idea of talking to people. I always feel like this is work when it really shouldn't be. You're just having a conversation. You ask questions, they respond with their thoughts, their feelings. They ask you stuff, you respond. That's all it is. I can't understand why I can't just talk to someone without second guessing myself, or I won't tell someone how I really feel.

I don't feel so reserved around you guys of course, but to be honest I still regret things that I say. I won't hold back, but I won't be happy inside. I can't believe I said that. You try to reassure me, that whatever I said wasn't weird or awkward at all. Still, I don't always believe you.

I like music, and games that the masses don't like or don't know about. It feels so fickle sometimes though. I've lightened up slightly in terms of music(as you will see in my upcoming Albums of the Year posts). I don't really know where I'm going with this. I would like to believe that a band like Rilo Kiley actually kinda sucks now, but I might just think that because they get air play inside Chili's now. If you told me that I would hear Rilo Kiley while eating a burger at Chili's in 2001, I would bet my Gamecube on that. Then I wouldn't have a Gamecube. Then I would be sad. There has to be some truth to the idea that once you are in the spot light, you change your ideas to accommodate the masses. I have to make something that everyone loves. I have to dumb this down to reduce the chances of becoming niche.

I am afraid I can't take care of myself. I mean I do the basic things I need to do to survive. I work, I eat, I entertain myself. I don't want to kill myself because I fear the afterlife, and just the idea of that is kinda lame. I am not fucking happy at all though, and I think it is too difficult to change. I like to blame my parents for doing too much for me. I think that's a pretty common thing in Filipino families, but everyone responds to their environments differently. Some people can develop into normal adults who are satisfied with their lives. I feel guilty for blaming my parents. I don't just blame them. I blame myself too.

I have the ability to change things, but I have no will. Also, it's just easier to wait. Things will work themselves out. Everything will be fine when(if)I move back to California. I don't know if I mentioned this in a previous post already, but I am accepting the fact that I hate Chicago. I really wanted to come here, but I just don't like it here. Great town, plenty of bars, good music, good parks, but I have no one to enjoy these things with. Anyway, back to my point, I'm just so sure that moving away from here will solve my problems. Who knows if I'll be happier? Maybe I'll get more depressed, but I really don't believe it can get any shittier than how it is now.

It is snowing like crazy outside. I hate snow.

Welcome CB4 and sneaks to the community.

What do you want from this blog?

Save the whales hate your parents

I haven't felt this alive in a long time. Over the weekend, I took the Landmark Forum. It is a seminar on improving quality of life and living authentically. In the Forum, you explore the stories you create for yourself and how these stories or ideas limit the ability to create possibilities in your life. "I'm a nerd". "I'm a morning person." "I'm only into hip-hop and have to eat mochi ice-cream for desert". "I only like Filipino girls and they only like me". You essentially block out the possibility of being or experiencing anything else. You create a story, an image, a persona and all of these things you believe to be "true" about yourself. These are not truths. They are merely opinions or views created by you.

If you view yourself as a "shy" person for example. You have general ideas of what the word shy means, as confirmed by the public at large. The definition of the word is then agreed upon by you. You thereby apply the definition to yourself and create a story for yourself as being "shy". In essence you create a view of yourself as a "shy person" because of your relationship with language associated with the word. Darn language. I need to elaborate on this more but I don't have the brain power.

I think I just went down a rabbit hole. I should get back out. But back to the forum, I've never experienced connecting with other human beings on such a profound level. Over the last few days, I've dramatically reduced my tendency to label and categorize people and be more in the moment of a conversation versus already having preconceptions and ideas about who the person is, what I should say or do to gain approval, etc. Its as if I'm throwing out the stories I have created about people and letting conversations evolve from nothing. I feel in-tuned, spontaneous, and and non-judgmental. I'm beginning to realize what it feels like to be a human "being" - to see through the vale of language and into whatever mysterious shit that's so beautiful.

Oprah Buddha

Off the meds

I have too many games to play. I don't understand why game developers won't fucking release games during the summer when there's nothing to play. I'm trying to finish Mirror's Edge, Gears of War 2, and Chrono Trigger while trying to fit in some Left 4 Dead sessions, and I just got Prince of Persia in the mail. I really don't have time to cram all of these games before the year's over, and I really want to make an informed Top 10 list before the years over. I won't even try to play Fable II or Fallout 3. It's just not possible. Oh yeah, I just bought a whole lot of No Doubt songs for Rock Band 2. Kinda stupid considering what's on my plate, but Andie will be on call tomorrow, so hopefully I can finish Mirror's Edge and put a big dent in Gears and Prince. That's my plan anyway. I might just go watch Milk because I don't want to stay home alone all day. Who knows.

I feel so much better since I stopped taking Paxil. It's been three days now, and I'm starting to get my appetite back, and I haven't worried about anything really. At least more than normal. I've been even sleeping better and at a more consistent time. I'm still taking ambien, but at least I'm not taking it and just staying up all night. I have to appreciate the little victories. Fuck my stupid doctor. Here, just take this and be gone from my sight. How about I switch doctors or something? I know that anti-depressants are trial and error, but I can't help but hate the guy at the moment. I have a follow up appointment on Monday, and I have a feeling he'll just prescribe something else, but I'm going to fight him hard. I don't want to take anything. I won't be surprised if I fucking write here a few days later something like Well that didn't work out so well, and now I'm on this or that. I really need to move back to the Bay. That'll make me feel better. That's probably the only thing that'll make me feel better, but I got to sweat it out(or freeze it out) for a few more months. I'm sorry, I don't want to whine, or complain.

Albums of the year coming.