8am to 3pm, part 1

Do you ever wake up from a dream that feels so real its almost as if you're not waking up at all? That the time spent in that REM reality was as strong as a reality as turning off your alarm? Nothing fantastical or fulfilling, not even profoundly depressing; just as mundane as when you make coffee and check your e-mail while it brews, just as empty as when you check your hair in the mirror and wondering if your hair is thinning. The zombie life is no life to live and there are spurts of excitement as you meander in that time that the world allows you to meander. Sometimes something unexpected happens and it reminds you of how exciting it can be, how wonderful making coffee is, how proper grooming is essential. And then you go back to sleep and they become a calculated sequence of events once again and it is tough. "This is water," I keep reminding myself as if I've replaced the Lord's Prayer with the mantra of a man who committed suicide with 10x the level of my awareness and excitement of unraveling the world (surely if he tapped out, how can I cope -- by telling myself this is water). Oh well, got to drink this coffee and fall in love all over again as if every hour is a relationship that ends, a continuous string of one night stands that float by the wayside until you fall in love all one more tme, finding things from the past relationships that allow you to hold on hope for a bliss that one can frame in your dusty heart.




Once upon a time, when classrooms used chalkboards and school computers were limited to how many bullets you should buy before hitting the Oregon Trail, there was a group of children in uniforms. The boys would wear baby blue collared shirts with navy blue slacks. The girls would wear plaid-red jumpers with white button-up collared shirts. It was a class of roughly 30 that, aside from the occasional transfers or new kid(s), pretty much saw each other 9 months out of the year. Girls would get periods and develop breasts. The boys would fake wars and eventually learn what the term blow job was, which would usually be followed by laughter and comedic fascination.

Friendships would form, alliances would gather, reputations acquired, preferences were developed, love would blossom, hatred festered, jokes played out, teachers despised, authority would be tested. Approval was determined by your sociable skills, your level of power over the rest of this class and thus determining the weak links or scapegoats of this group -- by characteristics or features such as a well-documented broken home or the fact that your 12-year hair was stringy and your forehead was big. If the rest of this group found out you liked a certain person of the opposite sex, it would suddenly reach around the rest of the class. If your social standing was strong, then it would be of even greater importance to this group, sometimes reaching the ears of separate younger groups that had similar social protocol.



This controlled social dynamic was to prepare these limitlessly-potentialled mounds of clay for even larger packs, ones which were romanticized as being more mature and adult. This organized, accepted method would lead you to greater heights and understandings as human beings and whatever happened afterwards would just be a means to separate the wheat from the chaff, social Darwinism. But the idea was if you were to give these 30 children the same weaponry and arm them with uniformed knowledge then the potential can be further suited and although there were flaws, which there were, it was better than an alternative isolation of home schooling that limited your knowledge of social awareness, or so it looks. I am not one to argue for or against such debates. I am only here to document an "innocence" that I treat with reverence and love.

I am a grade school historian.

(****disclaimer: i think you guys all know who i am, it's gonna be first-person, but knowing that the internet makes things smaller and because my memory isn't 100% no real names will be used and shit might be flourished with inaccuracies so just treat this as creative non-fiction or straight up fiction, really, in the same way bukowski really was chinaski.)

Crazy africana

Pdid, can't believe you remember that crazy black chic. She did drop E that one time at Cj's pad and she lusting after Jtron. She went ballistic though. I remember all of us hiding behind CJ's couch because she was getting hella rowdy. LOL. She had a crazy as S-curl and semi-wet jerry. Jtron was like "o-ish, o-ish" skyprancing like he do. That chic used to smoke crank too and her eyes were always wild looking. I can barely remember the time she ranted about law and order but I can hella see it. I went with her to the mall to buy raver pants... Thanks for the words of wisdom chief...Get caught up in me head sometimes...

All eyez on me - Kaput

Pierre thought I should write about my experience at a New Orleans male strip club. I suppose I've shared this story several times whenever asked people have asked me about how New Orleans was, but I can't fully describe the richness of my experience as its been some time and my feelings seem detached from what otherwise should be a highly stimulating, palpable interaction with one of the jazziest, sexiest coolest places on earth. I'd say that is definitely one of my weak points, telling stories - stories from my life in particular. I think it could be a combination of indifference or an inability to fully enjoy my experiences, and a highly irrational belief that whatever I utter out of my mouth should sound entertaining and that wandering eyes translate into my inability to sound interesting. Sort of suffer from a need to please and make people feel comfortable, could be part Filipino accommodation trait / never being able to fully solidify a reasonably consistent sense of certainty in myself. The latter has always baffled me. This constant doubting tends to surface. I've found that in general I prefer to talk for short period of time. My reflective capacity and ability to articulate my thoughts clearly drastically reduces when I'm speaking to 3 or more people at once. I feel as though the task of having to to simultaneously entertain all 3 people at once causes me to focus on delivering an attention grabbing string of words that superficially entice versus taking the time to convey what I'm actually thinking in a reflective and insightful manner. There's this need for speed, to stage dive off the platform of prolonged attention because gazing eyes make me feel the need to entertain, to capitulate a highly exaggerated story which bears no significance except to make it seem like I'm half interesting and am not a prototypical quiet Asian that passively complies and has a penchant for rhetorical question asking to remain on safe ground (too lazy to give examples). However, I've come to accept that part of myself...

Like most Filipinos, I do laugh after I make statements to mollify seemingly tense situations. I say "that's cool" as a filler phrase to smoothen out conversations. I suppose the overt laughter and smiling is something I can safely say is uniquely Filipino. Before Manny Pacquio entered the ring before fighting Oscar Dela Hoya, he was smiling and giving the crowd high-fives. Oscar, on the other hand, was contorting his face to look menacing and like most boxers entered the ring with a quasi-pissed off demeanor. Only a Filipino can encounter a serious-ass situation and smile about it. The need to ease the tension...Easy kids.

Its about 1:32 Am in the morning. I should crash or I'll struggle to get out of bed 6 hours from now. I never made it to the male stripper story, but maybe next time..Fell into a bit of a psycholalytic trap, but I think it was pretty theraputic nonetheless.

A FOOLISH Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds....

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notice tons of button-mashing include those leters above, the initial ones and not really the latter because we have been trained.



Who do we root for as human beings? We might root for the "Rated G" type of fellow who hustles his way into a Heather Grahamish heart, we root for our own ethnic hero who trains hard as hell after listening to our ethnic national anthem. We probably root for people that we don't know based on assumptions that are warm and sweet.



I think 808s and Heartbreak is actually a pretty good record in a "Nebraska" sorta way. I hope he succeeds regardless of what you think of his hubris. I think all of us secretly would like to make an album about a bitch and the vulnerabilities of an immediate death. Wanna type some more but I am tired.

Special Guest NPR

stubborn tenpin: are you busy
nun panty raid: not really
nun panty raid: watching quantum leap mostly
stubborn tenpin: i see
nun panty raid: what about you?
nun panty raid: and clips from rock of love charm school--guilty pleasure of 2008
stubborn tenpin: im getting ready for bed
nun panty raid: yeah i should do that too
stubborn tenpin: i wanna keep playing mirrors edge but i wont be able to sleep
stubborn tenpin: i just took my ambien anyway
nun panty raid: i'm all stuffed up. i've been sick for a month. time for nyquil
nun panty raid: hey, that sounds better
nun panty raid: enjoy your sleep. have a good night alvin
stubborn tenpin: i think im addicted to it though, i cant sleep without it
stubborn tenpin: it kinda sucks but oh well
nun panty raid: if you don't take it what happens
stubborn tenpin: i just kinda toss and turn all night
stubborn tenpin: going in and out of sleep
stubborn tenpin: its such a catch 22
nun panty raid: when did you start taking ambien?
nun panty raid: have you taken anything else?
stubborn tenpin: dont take it to get off of it, but get no sleep and be groggy and stressed, or take it and sleep but be groggy and paranoid about addiction
nun panty raid: yeah, that's terrible
nun panty raid: has anything else worked for you? to help you sleep?
stubborn tenpin: i took it for awhile at first like at the beginning of the year and then i got off it...but in august my apartment flooded and andrea was away for a month
stubborn tenpin: so i couldnt sleep cause i was so stressed
stubborn tenpin: so i got back on ambien again, but i havent been off it since
nun panty raid: brb. keep typing
stubborn tenpin: at first i loved it cause it would knock me out so hard. i sometimes would drink and take ambien and i loved the feeling
stubborn tenpin: but now sometimes i black out and i dont remember falling asleep
stubborn tenpin: thats actually been happening a lot lately
stubborn tenpin: god im typing a mile a minute im sorry clare i dont mean to lay all of this on you
stubborn tenpin: last week i started taking paxil too, so one night i had paxil and ambien in my system and i said FUCK IT and pounded two beers
stubborn tenpin: but after that night i felt so scared because of how irresponsibile i acted
stubborn tenpin: i tried just taking paxil cause it makes me sleepy but that doesnt work, so paxil in the day, ambien at night
nun panty raid: no no don't apologize
nun panty raid: i'm reading right now
nun panty raid: the rest of what you typed i mean
stubborn tenpin: ok
stubborn tenpin: i have problems man
nun panty raid: paxil does make you sleepy?
nun panty raid: does it help with your anxiety?
stubborn tenpin: in a different way it makes me sleepy
nun panty raid: i was prescribed paxil a while back but i never had a chance to try it
nun panty raid: relaxed?
stubborn tenpin: i think its to early to say it has helped my anxiety
stubborn tenpin: it anything ive become more paranoid
stubborn tenpin: everytime i hears anoise in the apartment i have to know what it is
stubborn tenpin: caise if i dont know then i assume its a mice
stubborn tenpin: and i cant stand to kill another mice
nun panty raid: so does your body feel relaxed but your head is just going?
stubborn tenpin: plus im afraid of them
stubborn tenpin: bi i have something wrong in my lower abdomen area
stubborn tenpin: sometimes its soft, then itll ache but theres something constantly there and i am constantly mindful of its presence
nun panty raid: have you seen a doctor?
nun panty raid: who is prescribing the ambien and paxil?
stubborn tenpin: twice now
stubborn tenpin: annd im goinb back to see my actual PCP
stubborn tenpin: but hes the worst
stubborn tenpin: then i have to go to GI clinic
nun panty raid: you should definitely talk to your doctor about that. if you feel that it's starting to get in the way of your normal function. i know that you know that but if you feel like you're not happy or relaxed or getting the effect you want, you should try to find something else that might work better.
stubborn tenpin: everyone says you have to try it ffor a month
stubborn tenpin: i was gonna go to the sleep clinic with would have been awesome, but i cant get it work in my schedule
stubborn tenpin: i get scarred...health ledger dided cause of this shit
stubborn tenpin: but sometimes im too incoherent to think and ill do more
nun panty raid: yeah i hear a lot of great things about the sleep clinic
nun panty raid: do you feel drugged most of the day?
nun panty raid: do you think the dosage is too high or that you've built a really high tolerance?
nun panty raid: i had a roommate who went to a sleep clinic and found out she had something with her circadian rhythm
nun panty raid: so she was in therapy a lot
nun panty raid: well, not a lot
stubborn tenpin: i feel like shit during the day. the pxil is making it worse to the point where coffee and naps at work dont change anything
stubborn tenpin: ive definitely built a high tolernace to ambien
stubborn tenpin: because just a half tab before would mak eme so happy and sleepy
stubborn tenpin: now there was a point when i was taking 1 and half or two
stubborn tenpin: but i stopped dooing that
nun panty raid: have you tried alternatives? like valerian root?
stubborn tenpin: god im really tempeted to post this in the blog
stubborn tenpin: i havent tried that but one of andreas friends mentioned it
nun panty raid: if you feel comfortable, you should.
stubborn tenpin: over the counter?
nun panty raid: i remember you telling me that you had a hard time sleeping but i didn't know about the ambien
stubborn tenpin: i have melatoni over the table
nun panty raid: herbal
nun panty raid: yes, melatonin. that stops working after a while too though
stubborn tenpin: that seemed to work inbeteween my ambien periods
stubborn tenpin: damn it
stubborn tenpin: yeah its bad here man
stubborn tenpin: its getting so close to the possibility of leaving, and im feeling like the worst since ive ever been
stubborn tenpin: leaving*chicago*
stubborn tenpin: i dont kno where all of this came from all of a sudden
nun panty raid: do you think it's being in chicago, alvin?
stubborn tenpin: i pretty much know thats why
stubborn tenpin: specifically in this apartment
stubborn tenpin: all this bad shit is happening
stubborn tenpin: ]the biggest thing i deal with daily is wheter or not a mouse will be inside our apartment
stubborn tenpin: i keep hearing noises in the walls
nun panty raid: have you been happy there at all though?
stubborn tenpin: it makes me tighten up
stubborn tenpin: there have been momemnts of course
stubborn tenpin: the simple amazing meal, seeing other people in the midwest
stubborn tenpin: i mean chicago is an awesome city that i hate, and then will regret not loving
stubborn tenpin: i love the seasons excepth when i have to do the shoveling
nun panty raid: do you still plan on moving to california still?
stubborn tenpin: thats still unknown
stubborn tenpin: it depends where dr dre gets in for residency
stubborn tenpin: its like applying to college all over
stubborn tenpin: shes interviewing in the bay,LA,Portland and Seattle
stubborn tenpin: shes gonna leave me again for a month so i really gotta keep the ambien going
nun panty raid: does the ambien help you cope with her not being around?
nun panty raid: it's so hard to meet people when you move to a new place.
nun panty raid: it makes me think of nyc and how you have to really really throw yourself out there and move outside of your comfort zone constantly to make friends and even then sometimes it doesn't materialize or you can't connect.
nun panty raid: so it's nice to have your significant other there.
stubborn tenpin: i do appriciate her so much
stubborn tenpin: the bad thing is ive become so clingy
stubborn tenpin: i mean she could have left me for a month and then i would have been fine, but that didnt happen
stubborn tenpin: ive never had to deal with a flood, i had to rearrange the apartment on my own, clean the floor, and i just wished andrea could hear me
stubborn tenpin: i need her to make choices for us
stubborn tenpin: and i need her to keep myself happy
stubborn tenpin: but when she leaves for long periods...its so dead over here
stubborn tenpin: cause i have no one to kick it with, so i just come home every night
stubborn tenpin: watch tv
stubborn tenpin: eat frozen meal
stubborn tenpin: then it gets really slow after dinner
stubborn tenpin: i should go to be
stubborn tenpin: i want topost this though with your permissios
nun panty raid: yes you definitely have my permission
stubborn tenpin: alright
stubborn tenpin: sorry
nun panty raid: doyou really feel that way alvin?
stubborn tenpin: ive just had a lot on my mind lately
nun panty raid: about needing her to feel happy?
stubborn tenpin: yeah i struggle with that
stubborn tenpin: ive sorta spoiled her
stubborn tenpin: at first i didnt mind, but you make bad habits
nun panty raid: do you think that if given time, you could be happy on your own. not meaning a split, just being comfortable in your own skin
stubborn tenpin: right now id say no
nun panty raid: yeah, it's difficult to break certain cycles in relationships, but i don't think impossible.
stubborn tenpin: but i knew a time where there would have been a chance
nun panty raid: when would you say that is?
stubborn tenpin: just like when we started dating, you know
stubborn tenpin: i just let the women get whatever
stubborn tenpin: so its manifested into things like bi weekly massages, her picking the restaurant, not wanting to see the nightlife
nun panty raid: but i think that you can change that now, if you want to. it's just going to take a serious transitional period. and a lot is probably going to have to happen before you reach that point if you're both willing to move that direction.
stubborn tenpin: i mean yeah shes busy but there were opportunities
stubborn tenpin: i coudlnt even bring her if i wanted to shed want to go home at 11
stubborn tenpin: so i would just go alone
stubborn tenpin: but im so tired of going out alone
nun panty raid: do you think you could tell her that it means a lot to you for you to be able to pick the restaurant. like when you guys are deciding one night. is there an open dialogue about those kinds of things or would that be hard?
nun panty raid: i understand that
stubborn tenpin: its not like she ever asks, she just never wants to go to wheerever i ask
stubborn tenpin: it really doesnt matter to me because i can always find something to eat
nun panty raid: yeah, so it's not really worth making an issue out of right
nun panty raid: ?
nun panty raid: if you did suggest another place and insisted on going there, do you think it would cause conflict?
nun panty raid: i'm sorry to ask so many questions
stubborn tenpin: yeah i went over it with my therapist. youre right thats what she said, but for some reason i bring it up because its an easy example
stubborn tenpin: i really appriciate the questions
stubborn tenpin: i have all of this inside of me with no one to talk about it to
stubborn tenpin: i still feel shitty for even talking about all of this with you
stubborn tenpin: if i suggested a place and really wanted to go there, she will either say go by yourself, or try it but shell end up picking something she hats so she wont go there again
stubborn tenpin: if i go alone and i tell her its good, then shell want to go
nun panty raid: don't feel bad about telling me. i feel more clued in with what's going on in your life.
stubborn tenpin: ive wanted to tell you
stubborn tenpin: but we keep missing each other
nun panty raid: how do you feel about everything?
nun panty raid: yeah i feel like we haven't really been able to catch up.
stubborn tenpin: im overwhelmed, and stressed out
nun panty raid: how do you feel towards andrea?
nun panty raid: have you harbored any resentment?
stubborn tenpin: right now very clingy. it feels like my whole job is to make sure she finishes med school
stubborn tenpin: then shell take care of me
nun panty raid: or are there certain things that you really want/need from her that you feel that you can't ask for anymore?
stubborn tenpin: sex
stubborn tenpin: lol
stubborn tenpin: i ask jokingly
stubborn tenpin: but yeah its always when she wants to
nun panty raid: i remember you telling me about this before.
stubborn tenpin: she cant do it whenever it want to but at least have some compromise
stubborn tenpin: even with errands, she'll forget to do them
nun panty raid: yeah, that's tricky because there's no real way to ask for it. plus, people hold their genitals hostage if they aren't in the mood, i think.
stubborn tenpin: oh yeah im familiar with that
nun panty raid: have you guys ever talked about how she's going to take care of you when she's done?
nun panty raid: and how much more time does she have?
stubborn tenpin: but then it flips, like i dont want to give my genitalia to her now
stubborn tenpin: just cause
stubborn tenpin: well after shes done shes going to make money right away as a resident
stubborn tenpin: so i can go back to school
stubborn tenpin: so shes going to be doing a lot, but ill have a part time job maybe
stubborn tenpin: but id rather focus on work
stubborn tenpin: i gotta go to bed
stubborn tenpin: im running out of gas
nun panty raid: that's awesome. maybe you just need to be around people with the same interests as you. people that are separate from you and andrea's unit. you know what i mean? of else that becomes the main focus and everything sort of revolves around that.
stubborn tenpin: i know thats my main problem
nun panty raid: i should get to bed too. nyquil didn't work at all.
stubborn tenpin: take more!
stubborn tenpin: im gonna take more ambien jk
nun panty raid: i think i'm going to.
stubborn tenpin: lol
stubborn tenpin: alright
stubborn tenpin: well thanks
nun panty raid: alright man
stubborn tenpin: i feel less stressed already
nun panty raid: anytime. feel free to call, email, whatever. really.
nun panty raid: good
stubborn tenpin: i want to but i dont know it i willgood, then shell want to go

More Left 4 Dead gushing

Guys, Left 4 Dead is so good. I wish everyone had that game. It's so much fun getting overwhelmed by zombies, getting grabbed from behind, saving your friends, FUCK IT'S AWESOME. I can only imagine the maddness if the Skweeze played that game. We would play that shit for like three weeks before going back to Smash Bros. Maybe. L4D is really good, but I can't say playing it with everyone would top all those Smash sessions. That's all.