Why Does she have to be a she?(Conclusion)

I can't talk to women without wanting to fuck them.

Yes, that might be possibly the most obvious thing for a man to say, but I get so easily distracted by sex that I cannot follow a conversation. There's more to it than that. The main reason why I can't talk to women is because I simply do not need the temptation of the possibility of having sex with someone else. I have no will power. Anything I touch, I get hooked on. Music, video games, PBR, sleeping pills, etc.

I tried making friends with a girl here pretty much as soon as I moved here. I met her from my previous blog and we shared a love for the movie Amelie. We didn't talk that much online, but the few times we did I felt like she was a very neat person. Someone I felt totally comfortable shooting the shit with. When I learned I would be moving to Chicago I thought, Sweet, I'll know someone. To make a long story short I feel like I either scared her off because I constantly bugged her to kick it(because I was desperate for friends to go out with and I knew no one else) and that kind of smothering from an internet friend could turn anyone off, or I guess we just didn't click like I thought we did.

I don't think the fiancee really liked the idea of hanging with a girl in our new town. Probably didn't help that when asked if I thought said girl was cute, I was truthful and said yes. I don't have a spotless history in terms of our relationship. I did try to mess around with one of her high school friends after all, and I haven't really heard the end of that one, but I think I'm exaggerating because I can't remember the last time she brought that up.

So on top of this intense anxiety I feel whenever talking to people now, I also distance myself from woman because I just don't want that remote possibility of something happening to exist. That's so extreme and neurotic to think that way, but I can't help it at the moment.

The girl at work always walks in wearing some band's shirt that I am familiar with, headphones on her ears(the earbuds that wrap around the back of your ear). What really kills me is when she wears her Radiohead jacket as if to just turn the fucking tractor beam on my ears and penis. I do this subtle things in hopes of getting her attention like making sure I wear some bands t-shirt the days I know she's working. One day last week in particular I started listening to OK Computer, and I swear she stared at me as I was mouthing the words to "Climbing Up the Walls." I hope she was smiling at me.

I want to speak to her one day, but I can see myself never speaking to her. We'll just go on listening to music we both enjoy, and never share our opinions. I have become such a pessimist the last few years. Everything I have I am grateful for and I try really hard to show my gratitude to my friends, but shit man. Like I feel like what's going to happen is that next year I'm finally going to stumble across people that are like the coolest people in Chicago. We'll play video games, go to some dives to drink Schlitz, and talk about nothing till 5am. Then, I'll leave after six months of hanging out with this/these person/people totally kicking myself for not finding these people sooner. Why should I kick myself over serendipity? I don't know, but I will. I'm not sure that will happen either because I have gotten used to just staying indoors for one reason or another. No money, or I don't want to take the train all the way to the North side, or it's too cold.

Bleh, I'm done complaining. I have problems.