I hate the idea of talking to people. I always feel like this is work when it really shouldn't be. You're just having a conversation. You ask questions, they respond with their thoughts, their feelings. They ask you stuff, you respond. That's all it is. I can't understand why I can't just talk to someone without second guessing myself, or I won't tell someone how I really feel.
I don't feel so reserved around you guys of course, but to be honest I still regret things that I say. I won't hold back, but I won't be happy inside. I can't believe I said that. You try to reassure me, that whatever I said wasn't weird or awkward at all. Still, I don't always believe you.
I like music, and games that the masses don't like or don't know about. It feels so fickle sometimes though. I've lightened up slightly in terms of music(as you will see in my upcoming Albums of the Year posts). I don't really know where I'm going with this. I would like to believe that a band like Rilo Kiley actually kinda sucks now, but I might just think that because they get air play inside Chili's now. If you told me that I would hear Rilo Kiley while eating a burger at Chili's in 2001, I would bet my Gamecube on that. Then I wouldn't have a Gamecube. Then I would be sad. There has to be some truth to the idea that once you are in the spot light, you change your ideas to accommodate the masses. I have to make something that everyone loves. I have to dumb this down to reduce the chances of becoming niche.
I am afraid I can't take care of myself. I mean I do the basic things I need to do to survive. I work, I eat, I entertain myself. I don't want to kill myself because I fear the afterlife, and just the idea of that is kinda lame. I am not fucking happy at all though, and I think it is too difficult to change. I like to blame my parents for doing too much for me. I think that's a pretty common thing in Filipino families, but everyone responds to their environments differently. Some people can develop into normal adults who are satisfied with their lives. I feel guilty for blaming my parents. I don't just blame them. I blame myself too.
I have the ability to change things, but I have no will. Also, it's just easier to wait. Things will work themselves out. Everything will be fine when(if)I move back to California. I don't know if I mentioned this in a previous post already, but I am accepting the fact that I hate Chicago. I really wanted to come here, but I just don't like it here. Great town, plenty of bars, good music, good parks, but I have no one to enjoy these things with. Anyway, back to my point, I'm just so sure that moving away from here will solve my problems. Who knows if I'll be happier? Maybe I'll get more depressed, but I really don't believe it can get any shittier than how it is now.
It is snowing like crazy outside. I hate snow.
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