It's So Hard

That's all I can tell myself these last couple of days. I wake up with the single intention that I have to make this new home of ours as comfortable as possible for my wife who has had her first week of her new career. She has been given Hematology/Oncology first, which is(according to her and her peers)the most difficult rotation to have. She wakes up a little bit before 5am and does not come home until 8pm at the latest.



I go on the internet looking for simple(keyword: SIMPLE)recipes that I can cook that evening. I scrub floors, I vacuum, I water plants, I clear off disorganized coffee tables, I wash dishes, I pick up things at the grocery store, I pick up the mail. I have a hot meal ready as soon as she walks into the door, disheveled and red-eyed. No matter what I do to make her happy, because of the long work day she just had, she can do nothing but flop into my arms, her arms around my ever growing belly, crying on my shoulder. "I'm so tired, Alvin" she whimpers into my ear. I have to bite my lip because we both shouldn't cry but I really want to.



I have no words. I just try to console her with an encouraging rub of the back. Doing that feels so pathetic though because the tears do not stop. I know nothing about the hardships of medical school. I start to feel guilty everytime she comes home completely exhausted because other than doing chores and errands, I'm not working or going to school which I should be doing. It feels like nothing I do matters. She will come home and cry no matter how clean the apartment or how warm and delicious the meal that I just nervously put together tastes.



I tell her about how horrible I feel, and she tries to tell me that what I'm doing is very helpful, but I'm not being receptive to her positive comments. I am not the cause of her pain and I should not take responsibility for all of the wet shoulders I have had to attend to. Still, I hate seeing her like this. Hopefully the next three weeks will go by swiftly. I'm going to do everything my wife needs me to do so that she can make it though this.