1986 - First grade, her name was Alison Wonderland. She gave me her carrot sticks during recess. She smelled like faery dust. One year later, we had different classrooms but our classes merged to watch Reading Rainbow together. I accused my best friend, Tony Tranh, of liking her in front of all the boys in a recess basketball game. He denied it, the rest of the kids joined in my taunting. We weren't sure what we were mocking, I felt guilt and relief that I wasn't embarrased for what I wouldn't be sure about.1988 - My cousin's friend, Elena. She was 13, I was 8. When babysat by my cousin Alfredo, she would come over. She liked Richard Marx a lot and when looking at my class pictures pointed out the future cute boys. She would ask if any of them had older brothers. Once drank a glass of milk and re-filled it with water. The water was a cloudy white. I was turned on by her indifference. One night, I had a boner in front of her and so I carried around a blanket pretending I was a mummy.
1989 - Moira Gracie. Bolivian girl, new in school. Sat next to her due to the luck of alphabetical order. Her first friend in fourth grade. Told me knock knock jokes. Defended my attire from people that made fun of it. After seating arrangements had moved, we lost contact.
1992 - Sabrina Kellogg, neighbor who lived behind me. Over the summer, she went through puberty. Our summers, which used to consist of riding our bikes in figure eights and watching whatever was on HBO, now consisted of me making sure she would never know I liked her despite finding new ways to see her. I tried to shave my hairless face for her.1993 - Sabrina Kellogg, now classmates in junior high. She liked my friend Jason, who liked her friend Hazel. I would talk on the phone with her about Jason all the time, Jason would awkwardly entrust me with his own secret. I was the middle man, was there for her when all I wanted to be was to be there for her.
1995 - Hazel Gutierrez. Jason's junior high crush. Hanging out with Sabrina meant hanging out with Hazel. I never really liked her all that much, but when Sabrina started going out with a senior who owned a Miata then going out with Hazel was almost consolation. Jason had moved on, although I can't determine whether or not it was before or after I lost my virginity with her. Her parents were gone for the weekend, we were on her couch. It lasted one whole commercial break while watching Blossom.
1996 - While with Hazel, crushed very hard on Olivia Kelly. Average looking girl, braces, slightly overweight, wore floral dresses. A little off the grid in high school, but when she was back on she was usually picked on. Of above average intelligence. Started wearing all black a year later. Stopped talking to me, but when we ran into each other we spoke amicably. Broke up with Hazel (she outgrew me), but was too scared what other people thought if I asked out Olivia.
1998 - Clementine Harper, girl from a school across town. Had a couple dates. We both bonded from our parents divorcing. We both thought a relationship is too complicated. Both held on to each other like lottery tickets. Drank way too much. Did doggystyle for the first time. She moved to Texas for college. We promised we'd write. Maybe two letters in, we both decided our roles were transitional to each other.
2002 - Moira Gracie, saw her over the summer from college. Platonic mostly, hung out and watched movies and had dinner. Funny how what ideal you held from childhood can still hold up if you allow it to. We had nothing in common, but being polite. Stopped hanging out when I met Annika Martinez.
2002 - Annika Martinez - Worked at a where I was temping, a non-descript company with two last names combined. I typed a lot, she did filing. On last day of work, I asked her out. She agreed. We played russian roulette with our hearts and never managed to find the bullet. She moved to LA and I moved with her. My mom cried when we left. In LA, she had a job working with B-level celebrities while I worked at a drug store and ran into B-level celebrities. Watched the same movies over and over again. Something comfortable about her, how she felt in my hands, how she tasted, how she would move in my line of sight. We knew each other's secrets, ones I choose not divulge. We had an abortion. She fell in a love with a B-level celebrity and I hated LA. Things seem to fit, except I was hoping they didn't. We lasted four years.
2008 - Liz Jimenez. After about 2 years of a drunken blur in which I returned to school, dropped out, found everything wrong with Annika and tried to forget with pills there was Liz, who was a roommate at first but we didn't need for the extra bedroom eventually. We would shoot fireworks in the porch. Then one day, I cheated on her (something I never thought I'd ever do) and kind of called it off like an asshole. The girl I cheated on her with was not a female memory that was shared, it was like someone else was in my body. I was possessed. Telling Liz that would be stupid and almost selfish.
2012 - The end of the Mayan Calendar. The world is supposed to end tommorow and here I am watching The Weather Man, waiting for you to come through this door, this composite of everything I loved and hated. The idea of love has scarcely left me and has left me all alone, trying to reach an ideal of lowered expectations. Every day is the day I meet the girl I am going to marry and every day there is an excuse not to even find it. Today is the end of the world. Every kiss is my next love, but the next kiss is a goodbye. Sandra O'Malley, we listen to each other and I wouldn't mind watching the universe implode with you in a Costco parking lot. Tommorow we settle for the end of the world and if it doesn't happen, well then, may this list end here regardless.
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